I got sad today. It was hard. I woke up this morning and didn’t want to be where I was. I didn’t want to shower and I didn’t want to be sitting alone in a desk trying to cram for an AP Economics test at 6:30am. But most of all I didn’t want to face the thoughts in my head.
My head was trying to tell me to be angry and get upset with anyone and anything. I felt irrational and irritated. I took a timeout and walked around trying to clear my head out. I cried. I sat and I cried heavy tears filled with pain. I let the emotion run down my face and when I had let it all out, I stood but, fixed my mascara, and looked in the mirror. I saw the most amazing thing. I saw myself as a strong, dignified young woman that is a little bit broken down, and a little bit worn out but still able to function and smile. What was even more fascinating thing was what I didn’t see. I didn’t see cowardice, weakness, or defeat. Teras don’t tear me down. Crying is associated with weakness, but is a form of healing. Tears are a way for your heart to let go of the pain held inside. Only compressed feelings will tear you apart, crying never destroyed anyone.
On a different note, the past year I was the Brass Captain in my school marching band, meaning I was supposed to lead a group of 42 high school age brass musicians. It was a great experience and I learned so much from it. This morning however, the leadership team for the 2016 Marching Season was posted. Of course I’m not on it because I won’t be there. You know who was? My little sister, and yes you guessed it, she’s the Brass Captain. I’m so proud of her. It makes me so happy to look at this picture and think “Captain to Captain, Sister to Sister.” But at the same time, there’s a little twist in my heart that whispers “You’re done. You won’t be here any more. Leave.” And it stings, that when I leave, the program is going to keep going, without me. As small as this is, I blame the sadness I feel on the overwhelming love I have for music and marching band. I chuckle to myself when I think I’m going to dedicate thousands of dollars and hours, blood, sweat and tears, into making noise. Hopefully it’ll be pretty noise, and people will pay me to make pretty noises for them. There’s an emotional connection to something you invest so much in and you can’t just turn it off, at least I can’t.
If you haven’t figure it out, I love quotes. I might daresay, almost as much as chocolate. Quotes just hit me right in the feels, and one I’ve had floating in my mind for a long time is this one (Thank you, Pinterest):
That being said, I know it’s true for me. I am not like other people, I cannot be confined to comfortable, I have to know for myself, I like to try something just because someone says I can’t or shouldn’t, I’m crazy, I prefer to indulge in natural ingredients rather than synthetic delights and so many other things. How is an adventure exciting if you already know the outcome?
My soul is old, I can feel it. I can sense it in the way I speak, the pattern of my thoughts, and the perspective I have on situations. Everyone has their own definition of an old soul, mine just happens to be what I am, and I wouldn’t want it any other way. I also want to throw out there that my spirit is a true reflection of my age, and you would see that in my actions and mannerisms.
Alright, Old Soul confession time:
Everyone is fascinating in their own way. You just have to understand that everyone has a story that leads them to where they are today. I love listening to people’s explanations of themselves.
You treat a server with respect. They are human as much as you are.
Any kind of relationship should take effort, but the best ones don’t cost energy.
I will pretend to have seen, or read whatever you ask in a conversation in order to avoid interrupting you informing me of whatever it is.
I love being in places that make me and my problems feel so small and insignificant.
I base intellect off of this “Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people.” -Eleanor Roosevelt.
If I feel I personally need to do something, I won’t wait for your approval.
No one truly understands me, and no one ever will. They can just get really close.
Moving on isn’t the problem, it’s looking over my shoulder and waiting for opportunities to catch up.
I won’t tell you the process, I’ll only tell you when I’ve set my mind on something
I do not believe everything happens for a reason. We can learn from everything. But there is not a predetermined reason for everything.
I will not settle for what I know can be better.
Life is simple. Learn, live, love.
I make memories that last a lifetime too easily.
Everyone has a right to be happy, especially you.