I’m not much of a poet, but I tend to use a lot of words. Hence, blog. But today just feels slightly artistic, more so than other days. So I’ll take a swing at a poem.
I tried the poem, didn’t turn out the way I wanted, so I trashed it.
I’ll just write about what I was thinking instead. How about that? I like to use all the words I want to instead of feeling obliged to rhyme. Ugh, I can’t do that rhyming thing well. Whatever
I just want to have genuine experiences. I want to feel angry and sad and upset and not have people think I need counseling. I know what my soul and body need to recover. I just need the time to go through the process. Me trying to stuff it down, and bottle it up while I’m in public just expands the time and wears on my patience.
I have written before about how humbling it is to be broken. And I love the feeling dearly. Not for the loneliness and desperation I feel when visiting, but for the humility of rebuilding myself when the time has arrived. I do not need professional help to build myself up the way I want to be. I may need people to confide in about my feelings, but will I ever feel comfortable telling a complete stranger my struggles? Absolutely not.
I want to feel angry at what has happened to me that deserves anger. I try to avoid this emotion as much as possible because I think it can be dangerous. When I get angry, I tend to be more reckless and make rash decisions I regret. But I strongly believe that anger is a feeling that demands to be seen. Anger does not just dissipate in time, it can come out in words to other, biter conversations in my head, of bursts of overwhelming fury that require me to physically act in order to calm down. I need this expression to get over the anger inside my head. I need the process, and I need to not be bothered when going through it.
I want to feel sad. It’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s not a preferable permanent residence, but it’s a beautiful place. When I’m sad, the world seems to cry with me. I find tears in the music I listen to, the wind in the trees, and even in the sunshine that hits my face. When pieces of my soul are broken and scattered I only ask for leisure time to stroll and retrieve everything I’ve lost. Some pieces have wandered far and require a journey to attain, and other pieces I’ve given away as gifts and cannot ever get them back. I want to cry when I feel like it. I cry a lot, and the past few years, my tears seem to always be tears of sadness, in forms of pain, goodbyes, frustration, and being brokenhearted. Saying goodbye has always been a struggle for me. Moving from place to place, I know what it’s like to spend years building a phenomenal relationship and to watch distance, separation, or circumstances drive a wedge between people.
There are days when sadness hits me and knocks me down to a point in which I have to lay down a while. Those are some of my most important days. These are the days when I look around and appreciate just a little more everything in my life that makes me smile. These are the days I rejuvenate and shut off from the rest of the world. These are the days my soul spends an hour or two reading a book. These are the days I learn about myself.
Being sad does not mean I am depressed. It does not mean I’m on a path that will lead me there. Being sad only means the happiness forgot to stop by this morning, and that’s alright, she will remember the next morning.
I have an extremely difficult time accepting help when I’m told I need it. I like to find help on my own terms and under my conditions. Again, my first instinct will never be to console in an unfamiliar counselor. I will express my feelings with those who know me and I trust. I don’t want the world’s opinion on my matter, I want my opinion.
No matter how the world tells you to feel, you will never feel at peace until you embrace the way you really feel and think and can accept society for what it is, or run the risk of going against what everyone else it doing.
The world cannot dictate my feelings. Anyone can judge, but no one will ever truly, unconditionally know what is going on in my head.
Don’t judge me based on my decisions through your perspective.