Painting on a Blank Canvas

I’ve always heard that you develop your character as you grow older and more knowledgeable. I wasn’t expected to lose myself.

I was raised one way, and decided somewhat recently that I didn’t fit the mold I had been shaped into. I wanted to be different, and that wasn’t considered correct. I just wonder to myself, what defines a person. So naturally I did some research, and I found this, What Defines You. I do like the idea that you are defined but what is important to you, and what you stand for. You’d think that can’t change too much, right? I thought so too.

Something I think is very unique to myself, is that I am ambitious. Combine that with impulsive, and you get a lot of fun. I’ve been in a lull, and I’m lost contact with my ambition. A dear friend pointed this out to me recently and it’s been stuck in my mind ever since. I was slightly upset about it for a while, until I had the thought “There’s no way I lost my ambition!” and it was that moment that I knew that I hadn’t lost it completely. I just needed it to be rekindled.

There’s a lot of build up for graduating high school and then going to college. But what are you supposed to work for during your time here? It’s nothing new really, you’re working for a degree to get the job you want. That’s always been the plan hasn’t it?

I allowed myself to be comfortable with not really knowing what I was doing, and I haven’t been happy since.

So I began to think the general self doubting questions.

“Who am I?”

“What makes me different?”

“What makes me interesting?”

“What is my purpose?”

and, I’m still looking.

I can’t seem to settle on a name for my blog, I’ve bounced between Short Stack in A Big World, to Miss Maddie Jane, and I think I’ll keep it at just that, but originally my purpose for a blog was 365 Days Discovering Who I Am. I wish I’d kept up with it, but working two jobs and graduating high school got the better of me.

I knew then, 6 months ago that I was lost. my world was shattered, and I had no one to help me pick up the pieces. So I worked on picking up the ones I liked best, and I like to think I left behind some of the ones I wasn’t too fond of.

Naturally, some traits I am still not fond of came with me, but regardless, I tried to hold on to what was good.

I got tired.

I didn’t know what it was like to be the shrimp in the ocean. I am tiny at ASU. I had trouble making friends because the shards of my personality warned people to stay away. I let some people in, but I am still struggling. Improving. I can think of my situation two ways, I can either view myself as the cookie from the cookie cutter, without real personal purpose, or I can think of myself as a blank canvas. I’ve got structure, but I feel blank, and I’m ready to be painted with personality, quirks, love, laughter and so much more.

Right now, I am lonely. I am not genuinely content, but now that I’ve accepted it, my ambition is coming back and I’m ready to change everything about that.


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