What do you do when you don’t want to do anything just because it’s too much effort all the time? You might want to admit that you have a problem.
So, I have a problem (The fact that I am writing this at 3 AM is proof of that). I don’t feel like doing anything except the things I feel that I am obligated to do. I feel obligated to take care of people and mask the emotions I feel, so that’s exactly what I do, and no one can see my problem unless you squint your eyes and tilt you head.
This is Diaper:
The story of how I got this fish is a funny one, for another time. But he is almost a year old and has recently become more important to me than ever.
Depression can be like “having a bunch of dead fish“.
There are so many different types and reasons for depression, and I just want to talk about mine bit.
Circumstance induced depression is like this. I’m referring to negative circumstances for this. When the circumstance hits, you might go through an intense period of emotion and then suddenly snap into numbness.
It’s like getting numbed in the mouth for a filling. The exhilaration of the situation is almost exciting, but as soon as you receive the numbing pain you can only feel the pressure of the situation and it may make you feel detached and odd, but you can’t feel the real pain of the procedure.
Months ago, this happened to me. I went through the process of too much emotion, to suddenly having none to show to people, and then having none at all.
It’s so easy to get stuck not caring about anything. In some ways it makes things easier because everything becomes predictable. It feels like life drags on the same way, but at least you know what’s coming. Maybe it’ll be boring, but hey it can’t hurt me.
You lose touch with your feelings, and it’s not one of those things you can just bring back, even if you wanted to.
I love to care about people and I do it naturally. I find myself in situations with people and I can pry at their stories and become interested in what they have to say, but I feel incredibly detached from them, and lose interest all too soon. My projected feelings toward others work regardless of whether or not my internal feelings work because I make it happen and I’m stubborn enough not to let that change.
You’ll have to read the post with the dead fish story (It’s right here!) to understand why having Diaper has suddenly become so important to me. He is my reminder that not all my fish are dead. And I can have more fish, when I can support them.
So how do you get better?
I don’t know. That’s the process. But please by all means let me know if you have any suggestions.