Little Humans Terrify Me

I was raised knowing someday I would inevitably have children. So, for years I thought, let’s go big! I want 10! But it all changed. 

A few years ago, the idea of marriage and children became, well, boring. I was getting confident in myself and venturing away from wanting the constant company of others. The more I thought about having kids the more I figured that maybe it wasn’t for me. At the very least, right now was out of the question for child bearing. 

I read too many articles about childless women and how you don’t need to be a mother to be a powerful woman. And it fueled my fire. I could do so many fantastic things and not need the validation of motherhood.

I’ve been paying attention to families at the store, the park and out in public anywhere and honestly the parents just seem tired to me. From my perspective I see adults with incredible amounts of potential that have to use the majority of their energy to just make sure the kids aren’t eating glue. So no, I won’t be joining the glue monitors.

I am not going to spend 9 months of my life pregnant, abusing my body only to endure excruciating pain to push a small human out of my already small enough body. I’m not going to risk there being the wrong number of limbs or birthing a child with a mental disorder. I’ll just skip the risk entirely. 

I think what scares me most is the lifelong commitment. You birth a baby, help your body recover from the merciless birthing process and then raise a child with no guarantee of their outcome. Would I want another adult running around acting like me? How about acting like the father? Nah, too much risk and too much trust. No thanks. 

Funny enough, I’m a teacher. For mostly little kids. I’ve got around 45 students now. And I try to keep my personal and work lives separate. But, over the summer while working a boring desk job in the morning, it was always a relief to talk and interact with real people in the afternoons during their lessons. 

One lady that I’ve recently started teaching smiles brighter than anyone I’ve ever met, and she makes a point of genuinely asking and remembering details about my life. And the more she’s done that,  the more I’ve realized that I have the power to make my students feel that way. 

One of my students came in yelling this week about how we didn’t finish our song from last week. So I asked if he wanted to learn to draw a penguin. And look how ridiculously adorable it is. 

I hung it by my bedside because it makes me smile every single time I look at it. 

I’ve been mentally picking up pieces of my favorite things my students have said to me over the last 8 months and I’ll even share my favorites. 

One of my 5 year-old boys calls me Mrs. Pineapple for no relevant reason

One of the 6-year old identical twins I teach called me “Mom”. 

11 year-old sassy preteen begged me never to go out of town again after missing one lesson.

One student I started on piano said “You know, Miss Maddie, I think you’re pretty cool…when I first signed up for lessons I was really dissapointed I didn’t get Mr. Mikey, but I’ve changed my mind.”

Parents ask about my health if I’m out sick and students always remember to pester me for jokes every week. 

I’ve had pictures taken with students at recitals and been given lovely notes of thanks for my efforts.

And it’s awesome. The more I teach and get connected with my kids the more I realize I would forfeit much of my time and energy to see them succeed. I want to see them accomplish big tasks and achieve their goals. 

I adore my kids, and they make me so happy.

So, I’ve changed my mind. Someday, years in the future, I think I’ll have my own. 

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