Where I’ve Been, Am, and Going

I am the luckiest Physics student on campus because I have a triangle of help.

  1. I live with my brother who is phenomenal at understanding and explaining physics. Plus, I have a car and can drive him places so I trade him tutoring for car rides.
  2. I’m dating a man who understands math and physics better than I think I ever will and he’s sweet enough to help me when I need it most.
  3. My physics lab partner is a high school friend who is smart, kind and patient.

I’ve got all the help I could ask for – and sometimes I actually understand what’s going on the first time someone explains it to me!

My lab partner is an old high school who I did marching band with. We’ve been friends for 6 years now! After our lab class we hung out and got to talk about non-physics related things. I guess I shouldn’t been surprised that what we mostly talked about was high school. That’s where our mutual ground was.

High School was fun, for the most part. I stupidly soiled the end of my senior year and tainted high school as a whole. I hit a huge bout of depression and isolation. I’ve talked with friends about depression and it seems to be more common than I thought. It also varies in severity.

For 3 months after high school ended, I got two jobs and worked too hard for too long. I was making money for the first time, and exciting as it was I hated everything. I felt like I had lost all my friends, and I had never felt so abandoned and angry.  I didn’t know what panic attacks were until I started having them in the middle of work. I didn’t know it was possible to cry so much. I screamed in the car when I drove by myself. I faked being happy but knew underneath that I hurt too much to be put together. I didn’t have friends to hang out with, because I chose to ignore them.

I let myself be angry, upset and depressed for too long. I let my life become too dependent on someone who didn’t care. I wasn’t in charge of my own recovery. Around Christmas time of that year I was so fed up with being alone and independent that I allowed people to enter into my life.

That’s where I’ve been.

Now, I can look back and realize it’s not as bad as I thought. I can smile at the things I went through and not feel too upset about it.

I am now where I am. That sounds funny. Whatever. I consider now a range from about a month ago to a week or so in the future.

I’m so happy. My friends make me happy. My family makes me happy. I make myself happy. I’m going on trips and attending events that excite and engage me. I’m spending time with people that matter to me and don’t bring me down. I’m committed to finishing my degree. I’ve got a trajectory in my life.

I know I can’t predict the future, but I don’t care. I know that as long as I continue on the path I’m on now, that I’ll be content.

People may change, but as along as they are the type of people that support me and make me feel good about myself, I’ll be okay. As long as I finish what I’ve set out to do, I’ll end up in a place that I’m comfortable at.

I’m no longer afraid of what the future holds. Because I’m not dictating my life based on exactly what I want. I’m not expecting to live in a specific neighborhood, or have a certain job with perfect children .

I’ve got a wide range of what would be acceptable. A nice place to live, a strong circle of friends, a job that is relevant to my degree, hobbies that keep me creative, and maybe a little family of 4 or 5.

That seems pretty achievable. I’m not worried.



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