Paper Rose

This past week has been INSANE with the amount of studying and homework I’ve been trying to catch up on. I have a very difficult time focusing on homework in the place where I live so I have to go out and find space to do my work. I hate school libraries. Don’t know why, city libraries are the bomb, but school libraries feel like prisons to me. (City libraries have children’s sections and adult coloring pages, maybe that’s why).

Usually I go to local coffee shops and recently I’ve found a little place I so much. In the past month I’ve probably clocked about 40 hours there alone, I don’t even want to think about how much money I’ve spent on food and drinks there… yikes. They have the best chocolate cream cheese muffins.

This morning I arrived at my coffee shop, got my drink and muffin and sat down to do my last bit of Calculus Homework EVER. I’ve been waiting too long for this day. Halfway through my laptop died and I had to move seats to plug it in and in the mean time I managed to lose my car keys, and make a mess of all  my stuff, but I did end up sitting next to a group of ladies having a very interesting (and neutral/friendly/open) conversation about how appropriate it is to address LGBT concerns.

There was a man with an awesome mustache sitting behind that group of ladies. I’d seen him here before and he was always studying for some kind of test but I couldn’t make out what. This time, as he was leaving he stopped by my table and left a little intricate origami rose on my table.

I love being challenged to do something and then following through. I really admire Cody, for what he did for a complete stranger. There’s no way he could understand that I’ve been struggling with school work, completely exhausted, and overwhelmingly stressed. He made my weekend.

Yesterday, I ran a 5K with my sister and as we were on the last leg, I was joking about picking up a cone and carrying it to the finish line. Emily doubted I would do it. Oops. I carried a cone the last half mile and crossed the finish line with it. I confused everyone there, but Emily and I had a good laugh about it afterwords.

I love it when people are brave and impulsive. It makes me feel alive and I haven’t done anything like that in so long. There are so many things I just want to do for fun. So many little adventures I want to go on.


Hand Them the Truth

I got a motorcycle a few months ago and was terrified of telling my parents in fear of how they might react. My mom’s father died in a motorcycle accident, and the last thing I wanted to do was upset her. So I didn’t tell them for months. A few weeks ago my truck broken down and needed to be repaired so I was riding around on my bike daily. I finally fessed up and told my dad.

I arrived at his work place with lunch. When he finally asked how I’d gotten to him, I told him about the motorcycle. He didn’t seem surprised and took a moment to process it but as I was leaving he was really interested in my bike and watching me take off on it.

I had to tell me mom. I put it off for a few weeks until I just showed up at my parents house on my bike on Sunday evening (a weekly ritual) with all my gear on me. She was shocked when I flat out told her and asked me who let me borrow a motorcycle. After realizing I really did own the vehicle, she gave in and said “well alright, let’s go see it”. So she came outside to see my motorcycle and didn’t say anything else that night.

I didn’t bring it back for a while, and I didn’t say anything about it. Eventually one night I really wanted to go home, and I only had my bike. So I went and played it off like it was nothing. And it was. I know my mom was a little shocked that I had a bike but more than anything she was annoyed that I didn’t tell her sooner.

Yesterday, I woke up, wanted to celebrate getting a new job and having a successful week so I called her to see if she wanted to go pottery painting. She said she’d meet me at the place.

2 hours later, she, my sister and I were painting away. I had all my motorcycle gear on me and it didn’t seem to bother her. She let me put my gear in her car when we went to get lunch and asked about what all the gear was like. She took interest in my excellent motorcycle related Goodwill find this week.

My point is, I was terrified of telling my mom what I was riding around on, but actually she had a fantastic reaction and let me make my own choices. I love my mom so much, she is the most incredible, self reliant, smart, witty person I know, and I really should learn to trust her with the truth. She of all people can handle that 🙂

Crying Behind Closed Doors

Sometimes, I let certain things take priority in my life and when they change in anyway that I can’t control I panic. I cry more often than I see others cry. I don’t cry in front of people, not often. I cry when I get in my car, or shut my bedroom door, or draw the shower curtain. Once the tears start, they’re hard to stop, because I’ve spent the last however long suppressing the desire to cry in frustration, angry, sadness, or any other reason.

I’ve been told more than once that I’m too emotional and a result I end up hiding most of emotions. I’m afraid of how they might make other people feel. It may be that I’m too concerned with maintaining others peoples’ comfort.

Maybe I don’t know what love is, and perhaps I think I have reached the state of loving someone or something before I get there. Twice I have said the words “I love you” to people, trying to express my emotions and be bold, but what I heard back affirmed that I spoke too soon, and I had made those people uncomfortable.

I had come to the conclusion that my emotions made people uncomfortable. So I shut them all away. At one point in time, I was a robot, working 13 hours a day, 7 days a week. I spent my one morning off doing something by myself. I was scared of people. I had been hurt by the people closest to me and I felt I couldn’t trust anyone.

I turned down all the help that was offered to me, and refused to reach out when I knew I could have used it. I pride myself in thinking I climbed my way out of misery. But what I didn’t realize is how easy it is for those emotions – or lack of emotions, to come up again.

When I was in this state, I experienced mental breakdowns. They happened at work, in bed, just about anywhere. It was terrifying. I tried so hard to keep my emotions in my head and not show any weakness to those around me. I had less empathy for others. Less patience, I understood less, and generally cared less.

Sometimes my emotions get the better of me, but I know I’m not the only one. Being aware of how others may be feelings has been a integral part of connecting with people again. People aren’t too bad, if you give them a chance.

I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m asking that  you consider about other people’s emotions. Without emotion, I don’t think we are human. Don’t dehumanize someone by disregarding their emotions.

The Lack of Gratitude

I think there are times to by happy. And be sad. There are time to cry and laugh and dance and sing. But there’s always time to be grateful.

Today I am grateful for these 10 things. 

1. I am so lucky to have a job doing something I enjoy with good people.

2. I am so glad I have the opportunity to learn at a great university.

3. I couldnt ask for better, more dependable people that don’t make me feel bad for crying.

4. I admire rhe beautiful crazy things that humans can dream and make.

5. I am thrilled to have the ability to run and move and do almost anything I want.

6. I’m grateful for the people that don’t try and hit me on my motorcycle. 

7. I’m thankful for honesty and communication.

8. I am indebted to the people that understand my social anxiety and do their best to include me anyway.

9. I’m glad that I’m starting to learn how my body works, and I’m adapting as needed. 

10. I’m happy for the goals I set, whether or not I make them. I’m happy for the challenges and growth I make.

Things won’t always go your way in life. You’ll get dumped. You’ll get dissapointed. You’ll have things hidden from you. You may even get angry… that doesn’t mean you stay angry. It means you go out and make it better.