Crying Behind Closed Doors

Sometimes, I let certain things take priority in my life and when they change in anyway that I can’t control I panic. I cry more often than I see others cry. I don’t cry in front of people, not often. I cry when I get in my car, or shut my bedroom door, or draw the shower curtain. Once the tears start, they’re hard to stop, because I’ve spent the last however long suppressing the desire to cry in frustration, angry, sadness, or any other reason.

I’ve been told more than once that I’m too emotional and a result I end up hiding most of emotions. I’m afraid of how they might make other people feel. It may be that I’m too concerned with maintaining others peoples’ comfort.

Maybe I don’t know what love is, and perhaps I think I have reached the state of loving someone or something before I get there. Twice I have said the words “I love you” to people, trying to express my emotions and be bold, but what I heard back affirmed that I spoke too soon, and I had made those people uncomfortable.

I had come to the conclusion that my emotions made people uncomfortable. So I shut them all away. At one point in time, I was a robot, working 13 hours a day, 7 days a week. I spent my one morning off doing something by myself. I was scared of people. I had been hurt by the people closest to me and I felt I couldn’t trust anyone.

I turned down all the help that was offered to me, and refused to reach out when I knew I could have used it. I pride myself in thinking I climbed my way out of misery. But what I didn’t realize is how easy it is for those emotions – or lack of emotions, to come up again.

When I was in this state, I experienced mental breakdowns. They happened at work, in bed, just about anywhere. It was terrifying. I tried so hard to keep my emotions in my head and not show any weakness to those around me. I had less empathy for others. Less patience, I understood less, and generally cared less.

Sometimes my emotions get the better of me, but I know I’m not the only one. Being aware of how others may be feelings has been a integral part of connecting with people again. People aren’t too bad, if you give them a chance.

I’m not asking for sympathy, I’m asking that  you consider about other people’s emotions. Without emotion, I don’t think we are human. Don’t dehumanize someone by disregarding their emotions.

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